Kav’s Kollage

Today we have a great interview with a member of the Malaysian parliament, Datok Guns bin Roses (DGR). My contacts had informed me that they had inside information that DGR was going to be in a dangdut pub in Bangsar last night. I rushed over with my newly acquainted partner in investigative journalism, Kirim Singh Williya (KSW). We managed to get into the tightly secured pub by bribing the backdoor bouncer with some Monopoly cash (it was dark, and that fucker was color-blind). DGR didn’t want to give us an interview, but after KSW started to recite old Malay idioms (peribahasa), he begged me to make KSW stop and granted the interview.

Here’s how the interview went:

Me: Good evening, Datok. What are you doing here? Don’t you have a parliament session tomorrow?

DGR: Got.. But I gonna skip attendance.

Me: Why? Isn’t it your duty to voice out the rakyat’s grievances?

DGR: Huh? What grievances? When I registered for election no one told me this! And I’m skipping attendance coz my third wife’s brother’s sister-in-law’s nephew wants me to open his new restoran in Jalan Telawi 2. I’m the guest of honour, so got free makan la tomorrow. So I bringing the whole family along.

KSW: Bak kata Sivaji the Boss, babi datang berkumpulan, singa datang berseorangan.

DGR: Huh?

Me: Anyways, datok, please tell me, as the bigshot minister, what do you think of the whale sightings off the coast of Miri? Is the migration pattern showing some changes?

DGR: I think that these whales should be given extensive study. We will form a committee and spend millions of the rakyat’s money to come up with useless facts and publish them in newspapers to fill up columns. Of course these facts were discovered by international scientists 10years ago.

Me: Yes, yes… That seems like the best thing to do. So, datok, we just received news that the Malaysian football team has lost terribly to China with a 4 goal margin. Any issues to be brought up in the parliament regarding this?

DGR: Sure sure. We will form another committee after the Asian Cup to spend more of the rakyat’s hard-earned money to discover why do we perform very badly in the international stage.

Me: Uhh… only committees? Nothing else? What about the FIFA rankings?

DGR: We will see. Currently we are debating the possibility that FIFA might have made a mistake by listing Malaysia in the lowest ranking in recent years. The government persistently agrees that any study, survey, or ranking system made by foreigners is null and void.

Me: So has anything been voiced out to the FIFA president?

DGR: Yes.. We had our best debating minister giving a personal call to Sepp Blatter and repeatedly barraging him on the phone by saying “STUPID! STUPID! EVERYTHING IS A LIEEE!!! STUPID! SHUT UP!!”

Me: Wow… that guy can really prove a point…

DGR: Sure… We politicians come from a special breed, you know…

KSW: Bak kata pepatah Melayu: Bagai ketam cuba mengajar anaknya berjalan betul

DGR: Huh??!!

Me: It’s ok, Datok. He just babbles nonsense a lot. So, tell me now. Many villages up in the rural areas are a bit lacking in basic infrastructure. How do you suppose we can turn this situation around for the benefit of those residents?

DGR: Well, the solution is simple. Just organize a big kenduri in your “kampung”, and try making “Malaysia’s Biggest Lemang” or “Malaysia’s Longest Thosai” to submit as an entry to the Malaysia Book of Records. If the Prime Minister decides to pay a visit to your village, then all those lazy fuckers in district office will automatically start paving new roads and build new landmarks. Maybe, as a bonus, you can get access to the world’s slowest broadband, TMNut’s Screamyx in your backward village.

Me: Hmmmm…. Nice point.. Now it seems that the pub is closing and the dangdut songs have died out. I think it’s time to leave.

DGR: Ya… I think I better leave and head on to my 4-storey mansion built near Port Klang which was built without paying RM 3 million in taxes and duty fees. Goodbye!

KSW: Motherfucker! (breaks DGR’s head with a herbal tea bottle)

Me: Ruuuuunnnnn…..!!!!