Another Interview With A Datok

Finally, I managed to chase down another famous Malaysian politician, yet again, to conduct another exclusive interview, after my previous interview with a Datok. Yes sir! And just like the previous time, I had my trusty friend, Kirim Singh Wiliya to assist me through the tough questioning and information grilling process. This time, it was the Datok Stupid bin Stupid Idiot. Doesn’t it sound familiar? Yes! It is the famous ex-Big Minister of a certain Malaysian state who was once involved with a slew of scandals that Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka decided to translate the term “asshole” as “lubang-buntut” in his honour.

It wasn’t child’s play to lay my hands on Datok Stupid bin Stupid Idiot (DSSI). He was busy emulating some famous figures in history to try and buy his way up into the upper echelons of Malaysian politics by trying to start a crusade on bloggers. Yup. He’s an idiot allright. My partner Kirim Singh Wiliya (KSW) managed to use his experience tracking illegal loggers in Taman Negara to track down DSSI in Australia where he was sneaking holidaying.

The following interview was conducted in Bahasa Malaysia, but since most readers disregard BM to be used in mamak stalls, I shall publish the transcript in English.

Me: (appearing suddenly during the DSSI’s sunbathing stint at Bondi Beach) Hello datok!

DSSI: Huh?! How did you find me? Im supposed to be in hiding! Ermm.. holidaying!!

Me: Now now, Dato… Lets be frank here. I want 2 things. I hope you can do them for me, or else, I’d be alerting the Malaysian Goblok Bloggers Assoc. to storm this beach and shove a stick up your ass.

DSSI: Hmmm… ok… what isit? You want millions of ringgit? I have a few briefcases of ‘em.

Me: No. I want an interview. And secondly, my friend KSW here wants u to wear a goddamn pants. He thinks ur scrotum is getting sunburned.

DSSI: Done and done.

KSW: Sepandai-pandai manusia bertahan, akhirnya ter-berak juga…

DSSI: ?????!

Me: Neways, may I call u Stupid?

DSSI: By all means.

Me: We know that you can’t speak proper English. So how do you justify your political aspirations?

DSSI: Malaysian voters are idiots. Well, most of them are, actually. The majority are idiots, so my English skills would take a backseat in discussions of credibility. Plus, we don’t use English in official proceedings.

Me: I am not demeaning the use of Bahasa Malaysia, but as a politician, but don’t you need English to do foreign dealings?

DSSI: Aiyah, if you can afford to pay them under the table, anything goes. Any contract can get one. Then I just sell it off to the highest bidder internally la.

Me: Isn’t that the reason for shoddy workmanship nowadays? By employing a few below par and mismanaged local corporations?

DSSI: Who cares? As long as I make some money the job gets done.

Me: How did you get into Australia? The last time you got here with a briefcase filled wit green, you got ur ass thrown in jail. And you escaped by saying you dunno English? I don’t think Australians make the same mistake twice.

DSSI: This time, I brought my Filipino maid to do the talking. Hehehe…

KSW: Kalau dilahirkan bodoh, sampai mati pun bodoh jadinya.

Me: Calm down, KSW. So, Stupid, what do you reckon of bloggers? Are they a menace to society?

DSSI: Sure.

Me: Why so, Stupid?

DSSI: Coz they spread lies and animosity and all those things which is bad for the country. I read those blogs and I was saddened by their acts of treachery.

Me: But your English is like my dog’s poop. It stinks. You can’t understand the true meanings of the words written even if your lame life depended on it. Right?

DSSI: Yes, but, I’m a politician. So, I can say whatever I want. Like I said, there are idiots in Malaysia that care to think lesser than me and would gladly raise their voice for stuff even they don’t understand. Plus I’ve got political immunity… *** grins, and makes his ugly-ass mole on his face look so revolting ***

Me: What is your plan to make a political comeback in the local scene, after your disgraceful exit 10 years ago for a scandal involving your “lubang-buntut” and a stray cat?

DSSI: I’m giving press conferences here and there to crucify the bloggers. I have no evidence against them, but I believe proper intimidation will surely crack them in the end. I’m trying to prove to the higher political powers that I can commit myself to making more illegal money safeguarding the nation’s pride.

KSW: Kalau satu monyet buat bising, semua monyet buat bising! Keparat hang! (Stabs DSSI on his left testicle with a pen…) Kasi mati sama lu…