Interview With A “Happy Penis” Datok

Finally, after much huffing and puffing, I managed to actually get an interview with another politician. This dude is not a big honcho up in the pillars of national power, but he knows quite a bit of information. Datok Happy Penis (DHP) is an ex-city council members in one of the richest states in the great country of Goblok. He is credited by many for being able to single handedly bribe town officials and circumvent tax payment to build a massive 4 storey mansion in the middle of a local village.

DHP is also well loved by the members of his party, coz they allow him to still sit in the same room as them in political meetings. They gladly lick his balls (figuratively, of course) while he gazes at their dog-hungry faces through his cheap black shades. For this interview, unfortunately, KSW was not available. I roped in my friend Redgrave, who is in no short supply of sarcasm, to assist me in this interview. We found DHP lounging in a bistro pub in Kuala Gempur last weekend, which we got to know from my well placed contacts. Here’s how the interview went:

Me: Datok Happy Penis…! We demand an interview with you… to be published online, of course..

DHP: (stares beyond our presence… obviously looking for his bodyguards)

Redgrave: Oi Datok! I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking “Did I bring 5 bodyguards, or did I bring 6? And where the fuck are they?!” Well, Datok, you gotta ask yourself this question now. “Do ya feel lucky, Datok?!”

DHP: I feel the urge to bribe you. Name your price for leaving me in peace…

Me: I am a true reporter. I don’t sell my loyalty to the readers. You will grant this interview, or I will publish these photos of you bribing the town officials to build your restaurant on government land.

Redgrave: Awwwww.. Ur such a dud, Kav! We cud’ve accepted the bribe. Oh well… Cough up the facts, Happy Penis! We ain’t for sale. At least for now.

Me: So, Datok, since you know about stuff that’s going on in your party’s general meetings, we’d like some inside scoop. Firstly, regarding the Goblokian dude in a foreign country who rapped about Goblok’s shaky social policies. Why the fuss? He mentioned only the truth.

DHP: Actually the fuss was started by none other than the Mis-Information Ministry of Goblok. We HAD to do something to turn the heads of the public from the much publicized foreign model murder case. Fingers were being pointed at a certain top minister. We all knew about the video clip in YouTube had existed many months prior to the case. But we needed a black sheep, and this unfortunate fucker got his balls slapped.

Redgrave: You, of course, had your balls licked, right?

DHP: Yes… Urrmm.. I mean, NO!!!!

Redgrave: Yeah, right. Now, what about the racial issues? Why the prejudiced and incorrect facts and rumours? Why do people bring up the word “racial” for every trivial issue and are at loggerheads, but when a Goblokian minister waves a traditional dagger over his head condemning others, nothing is being done?

Me: Well said. C’mon Datok. You can entertain the GRO later. Answer the fucking question.

DHP: Errrmmmm… Actually, we couldn’t do anything. His speech while the waving was done was so inspirational.

Me: You are wrong. It was plain racism.

DHP: Well, every government needs propaganda. Hitler was using the Jews as his. Since the country of Goblok is multi-racial, the minister had to appeal to the majority race.

Redgrave: Not everyone from the majority race would sink to such a low level of blatant, single-minded belief. In fact, only a buffoon who lacks the ability of coherent and intelligent thinking, irregardless of race, would fall for that stunt.

Me: That being said, the whole meeting during that point was filled with buffoons.

DHP: We prefer the politically correct term of “intellectually challenged”, thank you.

Me: You guys deseve a pimp slap each. Next question. Why are our history books so inaccurate and also focusing on Goblok only?

DHP: We focus on Goblok only coz we need the younger generation to learn about our nation’s proud heritage. All they need to know is in there. And it is not inaccurate. We simply REFUSE to acknowledge facts and papers by foreign anthropologists and historians coz their presence would demean our nation. Thus we will stick to the current syllabus.

Redgrave: Yeah right! Demean our nation?! You mean you wouldn’t be able to make money off them, right?!

Me: Focusing on Goblok alone teaches narrow-mindedness to our children. There are no opportunities to learn about other cultures and their rise and fall of power. There are so many significant historical lessons to be learned from other nations but we Goblokians ignore them.

DHP: Oh, is it so? Maybe that’s why the country is SLIGHTLY mismanaged.

Me: Final question. Why do some members of the ruling party make unneeded ruckus whenever the Goblokian Goblok concept is brought up? The situation has boiled down to the stage where some rulers of this great nation voiced out opinions which are against the Goblokian government’s policies, but nevertheless stay true to the concept of justice and fairness to the public. Whis is this so?

DHP: That is a sensitive topic. Please don’t ask me that. We run the country fair and square.

Redgrave: Then why the hell shudn’t we tak about it? You still feeling lucky, Datok?!

DHP: (groans…. ) Well, we just don’t wanna lose votes, y’know. Nothing can garner votes when you provide the illusion that you fight for the rights of your people. Our Minister of Mis-Information, Datok Alakazam tends to contradict himself often.

Me: Maybe that’s coz he’s a dip-shit. But you ain’t fooling anyone anymore. Goblokians refuse to be divided by race and creed. But the Goblokian government is still trying to instill such thoughts into their minds with absurd actions.

DHP: The rulers are ruining it for us. They are speaking for the people; the sons of the soil, the minorities, the foreigners, everyone. We just can’t rob the people blind like this. Err.. I mean, help the people. Not rob. Help. The people. No robbing. Nadda. Zip. Only help.

Redgrave: Robbing people blind? That’s funny. That’s what you guys did in Porta Kulang Free Zone right? 4 billion Goblokian dollars worth of the peoples’ money being used for the mistakes in mismanagement.

DHP: This interview is OVER! Entourage, let’s go! (Pointing to me and Redgrave) You guys will hear from me soon.

Me: Hah…! Maybe you’d be hearing from the high courts soon. We’ve had all this on tape.

Redgrave: You got burnedddddddd, bitch!