5 Things To Do To Win The Election

So, you wanna compete for a parliamentary or state seat in the next election? Have no fear. Kavilan’s World presents a list of 5 things to do if you wanna stand in election. Pay attention and follow these steps closely. They are guaranteed to make you a winner and at the same time, safeguard your candicacy downpayment fees. These methods have been tried and tested by many of our current political representatives and you can be like them too. This list is compiled from years of observation of the Malaysian general election trend.

Believing that stupid Malaysian voters will again and again follow the same mindset that they had for the past 50 years, this list is very much sought after in the political underworld. So here it is:

Get a Datok-ship
You dont expect to be a representative without having a Datok standing in front of your name, do you?! Of course not. Calling yourself Datok TipuOrang is much more snappy than Mr. TipuOrang. Plus, if you decide to roll with the ruling party, surely they ain’t gonna let you contest without a title. Datok-ships are easily available in Ebay and some participating states. The waiting period is inversely related to the amount you are willing to spend. So, the more cash you fork out, the lesser the waiting period.

Get some cronies to do the dirty work
You need a bunch of numbskull supporters to do your campaigning. They will be responsible for de-beautifying the city with insane amounts of posters and party flags and slogans. You also need them for the procession, coz in case you are hated by the people, there will still be people seemingly following the procession chanting your name. This increases your credibility with the masses. All you need to pay them is a bottle of mineral water and 1 pack of chicken rice or fried beehun. Then you can organize a gotong-royong to clean the fucking mess they made with the bottles and polysterene boxes. That would surely give you a few good points with the voters. Talk about a double-edged sword.

Practice your tagline. Make it catchy.
“What are we here for??! CHANGE THE WORLD!!” That seems to be a good tagline. Unless you don’t fancy a visit from God in the guise of Morgan Freeman. Everyone knows you are not gonna be doing what you said if you get elected. You just gotta make it sound BELIEVABLE. Malaysian regularly fall for catchy promises from the echelons of power. Let’s say you wanna clean up crime. Don’t say “I will clean up crime!!!”. Say this: “I hereby promise, to give all my soul and blood to fight against crime in this city of ours for the greater benefit of our children, so that they may play safely in the playgrounds. So that our elderly will walk to the pasar malam without worries!!!!!” Catchy, ain’t it?

Make some contacts in the retail business
This is practically a symbiotic relationships. First, you beg and plead with the retailers to endorse your campaign by sponsoring stuff. You can also ask for money if your not so thick-faced. Use the cash you received to pave new roads for the constituency. Maybe build a few dustbins around the town or have a press conference showing you “donating” some money to a poor boy who grew a pair of testicles on his neck. Later, when you are sitting in the office, you can repay their good deeds by paying them 5000 bucks for car-jacks worth 50 bucks. Of course, you would also get a share of the profit. Now, who said capitalism is bad?

Brush up on derogatory remarks
What if the person you are contending against calls you up for a public debate? Don’t worry a single cent. Just learn up certain words to make the other guy look stupid. If he stumps you with his Harvard accent and professional etiquette, just turn over and shout “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” till his face goes red. The crowd will applaud your gutsy move and witty answer with cheers and chanting of your name. Alternatively, you can also try some other hand gestures pre-approved by the Society for Dumbfucks (SoDs).

So, there they are. The 5 things you need to do to win an election. Anyone able to add anything else?