Looking back at the kitchen

a few months ago, mon and dad and bro were off to a wedding in perak… i had to stay home coz i had work, and i cudnt get a holiday (bummer). So i was left to fend 4 myslf in terms of lunch and dinner. Thankfully, over the years, i’ve had some incredible cooking lessons by lovely females and a few straight males. So i was off to the kitchen to cook fine meals for 3 days.

But i wasnt born wit kitchen skills. Looking back now, there WAS another episode about 8 or 9 years ago, wer i was left alone for only a day, and i had to figure out how to navigate the most complex part of the house: the kitchen.

Sure, i cud’ve walked over to the shop and got me a nice wan tan mee or even sum plain roti canai. But nooooo… I wanted to prove to myself that i can make my own food. And thus, my quest for the ultimate self-made breakfast began.

Now, at my house, the kitchen is my mom’s realm. She is the only single living soul that know wer each stuff is located. Mom is also slightly obsessive on how and wer her kitchen utensils are placed. If she finds even a spatula hung the other way around, I’d get hit by the same spatula (this was 8 or 9 yrs ago wen my mom still managed to hit me as i was small in size, and also a wimp).

And so, back to the flashback. I got up VERY early, around 10 or 11 am, dressed only in my night shorts, and figured, hey, lets cook my own breakfast! Little did i know that I had a better success rate at studying nuclear science.

I opened the fridge, and looked thru. Wow! We had Ramly Burger! well, at least the chicken meat patty. I scanned around for the bun. There it was, sitting inside the bread container, beckoning me to eat it. So i grabbed the Ramly chicken meat patty and 2 eggs from the fridge, then the burger bun and headed to the kitchen stove bout 10 feet away.

I lit the stove and put a flat-bottom frying pan on it. While the pan was heating up, i contemplated on whether to cook the patty or the eggs 1st. I wanted a burger special, wit meat and egg. I decided to go wit the egg 1st. As i broke it in, i realised that the pan wasnt a non-stick pan. Fuck! Nah. I’d just wash it later. Then i realise that i 4got 2 butter the pan. Another second later i felt a high degree of similarity wit Homer Simpson. D’ohh!

I didnt manage to keep the egg in a circular shape. So i improvised. My menu suddenly had scrambled eggs. Haha! Then i realise i had the meat patty thawing too long. So i took one out, and proceeded to return the packet to the freezer. Just as i neared the freezer, a slight burning smell alerted me that the scrambled eggs were gonna be WELL DONE. In a flash, as i ran to shut the stove off, i dropped Ramly’s burger patty on the floor, and it made a whole lotta mess. I’ll clean it later la… I think…

Now its time to cook the burger patty. This time, i remember to add some oil to the pan. Then as i added the burger patty to the hot oil, it started popping hot searing oil left and right. As i was still in my night shorts, the oil singed my chest and tummy. FUCK! Fucking fucked up burger patty. Bloody fuck. But i sumhow managed to finish up my burger, though it appeared shrinked and frizzled. And burnt.

I cleaned all the equipment. Only the i realised that i hadnt buttered and saute’d the bun. So i improvised by shoving it in the toaster. It came out a nice golden brown. And torn left and right. And center.

I took a bite outta the burger. Burnt meat and eggs dont taste good, i surmised. I threw it all away, by wrapping it in plastic bags and dumping them in the longkang, to avoid detection by my mom. I proceeded to go to the makan shop and order nasi ayam, tambah nasi, tambah ayam.

My mom came back in the evening and hit me wit a spatula.