Jokes About Racism

Aaaahhh, racism. It’s a little touchy subject. But why shouldn’t we look at it at a humourous angle? Sometimes, all you need is to lighten up and laugh. Nope, I’m not inciting “racial riots” here. What’s wrong in having a few laughs here and there?

So, these few jokes are compiled from some famous international comedians (Russel Peters and Dave Chappelle to be exact), most of which have been modified to suit the context of the Malaysian people. Now, since I am from the Indian heritage, maybe I would just take a look at my own side first. As they say, if you can’t laugh at yourself, then you can’t laugh at anything.

I remember the time I was at school. Yeah. Good times. I remember my dad used to whack the shit out of me for doing bad stuff. Actually, that’s what most Indian parents do. You’d see a baby crying, and the mom would be practically shouting at that poor thing to keep shut. Of course, this would be only seen in public areas, like a temple, where there are 50 pairs of eyes watching your shenanigans. Chinese parents would never subject themselves to such embarassment. They’d normally have a Filipino maid carry the child around. The boy/girl then finally grows up to be a banana (non-Chinese-speaking chinese).

Indian parents almost always whack their children in order to discipline them. I remember once in my classroom, me and my friends were dicussing how our dads used to kick our asses.

Me: Man, yesterday I spilled the Milo on the carpet. My mom knocked my head with the mop while she was cleaning the stain off. I still have a bump on my head.

Friend 1 (indian): Dude, that was nothing. I was on my bicycle when I rode to close to my dad’s car. I slipped and the bicycle fell on the side of the car and scratched it. My father then used the belt on me.

Friend 2 (malay): My mom always comes running at me with a broom. So to escape, I go loitering around near the railway station with other friends.

Friend 3 (chinese): I accidentally set fire to the chair cushion. My dad sent me to my room to think about what I’ve done.

Friend 1: You have a room??!!!

Friend 4 (orang asli): You have a chair??!!!!!

Damn.

Moving on to my adult life. I had this foreign friend, Johnson, who lived in KL. We used to chill out and get high as shit. Weed, alcohol, you name it. So once we were standing outside a closed pub, fucking drunk, unable to stand straight. And then this 2 patrolling officers were walking towards us. Johnson, drunk as fuck, said to me “Hey Kav, let’s ask the cops for direction”. Damn. Any Indian guy would think ten times before approaching a cop anytime, let alone being disoriented with alcohol and smelling like scotch whiskey. But Johnson was unfazed. He walked towards the cops.

Johnson: Sir, uhmmmm, excuse me…. (tapping the cop’s shoulder)

Cop 1: Yes? Alamak…. Mabuk kah?!!

Johnson: (said in the tone of a Discovery Channel narrator) Uhhmm.. yes. I’m a little drunk…. I need some help. Could you tell me how to get to Jalan Telawi 3?

Cop 2: (looks at Cop 1) You are ON Jalan Telawi 3. Go on! Get outta here!

Damn. Whatever Johnson did, it was fucking gutsy. I mean, to go talk to a cop while being piss drunk is something no Indian would do. Hell, we won’t even approach a cop when we are tired and sleepy.

Me: (Eyes red from working a 10 hour shift, sleepy, and smelling like grease) Excuse me, tuan… Can you please help to…….

Cop 1: Omigod! (Brings up his beating stick, lands a hit directly on my head) Crrraaaaaccckkk!!

Cop 2: What happened?!

Cop 1: Did you see that?! He was coming to harm me. You could see that chicken shit loser was on substance abuse. I had to defend myself.

Cop 2: Yeah. Let’s sprinkle some weed on him and get outta here.

Oh well… I don’t worry much. Actually, sometimes, racism can work FOR you. It’s very rare, but it does happen sometimes. Racism can actually save your live. I remember the time I was on a trip to Sipadan Island few years back. Our tour group was in a sight-seeing boat on the water, when suddenly, these terrorists came in 3 other motorboats and surrounded us. Their leader just stepped onto our boat and proclaimed loudly: “EVERYBODY!!! WE ARE TAKING YOU AS HOSTAGES. DO NOT TRY TO FIGHT BACK!!! GET DOWN ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!!!!!!”

Now, there were only two Indians on that tour boat, me and another guy from Sentul. I just looked over to him, and then he looked back at me. He just nodded and gave me a thumbs-up sign. I replied with my own nod and thumbs-up sign. We understood the situation perfectly. Two Malay guys who were in front of us turned to a bunch of Chinese guys beside them and said in a hushed voice: “We think those two Indian guys are gonna try to fight the terrorists and save us”. The Chinese guys nodded.

Naaaaaaahhh! Both of us Indians know what would eventually happen. We weren’t trying to save anyone. Everyone knows that the terrorists will let us go in a while. We weren’t going to try and fight them and save the day. NOPE!!! We know that no one would take an Indian as a hostage. True. Do you know what a shitty hostage an Indian would make?

Indian hostage: (tied to a chair, facing a camera, with militants standing behind him with AK47s) We is held hostage. Please save us. We are not sick. They feed us good. They want 10 million ringgit. If you give, they no kill us. They good people. I also want to send hello to my “kaiges” - Mutu, Rama, Samy - kaige panaaaaaaaaaasssssssssss!

That would be the worst ransom video ever. The terrorist would rather ask money from the Welfare Department. Imagine a terrorist calling up Putrajaya and making a hostage announcement to demand ransom

(phone rings)

Terrorist : LISTEN HERE! WE WANT RANSOM MONEY. WE HAVE 5 INDIAN HOSTAGES… (line gets disconnected) HELLO??!!! HELLOOOO??!!!!!