The Reason I Went Missing For A Week

You wouldn’t believe me even if I told you the truth.

I was absent from posting for a few days now. It’s been more than week since my last post. I have a solid reason. But no. You’d never believe me. Nevertheless, I have to tell you guys what had happenned. The reason for my disappearence. I’m sure you’re aching to know. Or maybe not. Though you wudn’t be here if you weren’t curious. Or maybe you’ve accidentally clicked on the link at PPS. Doesn’t matter.

Have you had the nagging feeling that you’ve been followed? I was quite certain that I was. I kept having glimpses of men in dark suits and cool shades (like the ones from The Matrix) hiding behind the parking lot pillars and the big angsana tree near my office. And they always seem to vanish when I get there. I knew something was wrong.

And then it happenned. I saw 3 of these guys standing in the front desk showing the receptionist there a passport sized picture of me. You’d think that coming from some super secret agency, they’d be able to afford at least a larger photo. Immediately, my brain went to work. I’ve played out this situation time and time again inside my head. Though I must admit I was waiting for my mobile phone to ring and to hear Laurence Fishburne (a.k.a. Morpheus) planning out an escape for me. After waiting 5 seconds, the only sound I heard was the inconspicuous farting noise made by a colleague. I then knew I was on my own.

I sumhow managed to get into the air vents above. I smiled to myself. My supervisor always chided me for having a ladder in the room. Hah! Now who’s laughing?! I exited through the laundry chute. Hotel laundry chutes are always big in size, allowing a fat guy like me to go through them with ease. But as I headed on to the car park, 2 guys in black suit were there waiting for me beside my car. Shit. I should’ve known that they will be waiting there. Too late.

They charged at me. I ran. Not that I wanted to. I ran towards the storage area. When the two goons were inside, I closed down the shutter. Made me feel like R.Madhavan in the movie Run. My heart was exploding. What the fuck was I thinking. I gotta fight them. One of them walked towards me with an evil grin. He hurled a punch at me. My primary school teakwondo training didn’t come to waste; I avoided his punch and defeated him with a combo Kick + Kick + High Punch + Kick + Low Punch + High Kick + Lightning Punch. He lay there motionless. Then I grabbed a mop which was lying around and landed a cracking blow on the guy’s skull.

I ran towards my car. 2 metres away from it I caught sight of something. It was a blinking red light. Fuck! I turned away and ran. Then, the explosion rocked behind me. I was thrown a few metres afar. Debris was falling everywhere. Who were these guys?! And why do they want me dead? And why was I parked in the 2nd floor and not the 1st floor? And where did I plan to go have my lunch that day? All these questions made me woozy. Miraculously, I wasn’t hurt. Cool, I thought. Just like Bruce Willis. Without the bald head.

As I lay there dazed, another 5 men in black suits came to me. One of them handed extended his arm and helped me up. I was bewildered.

“Who are you guys?”, I asked.

The looked at each other, then pressed their earpieces like they were receiving some twisted orders from their commanding officers. I was already beginning to pull out the secret blade I had behind my belt buckle, ready to slice their jugular veins in 4 seconds flat.

“We’re from the Internal Revenue Board.”

“What?!”

“Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri”

“Errrrrr……”. I was scratching my head. “Why are you guys after me?”

“Time to pay up your taxes. Here’s the form. Fill it up, and don’t hesitate to call us if you’ve any doubts. We know it’s your 1st time.”

“Errrrrrr….., Why did you blow up my car?”

“Proton cars suck. Your Iswara is not exempted from sucking. Plus you DID complain about having a backache from those crummy seats. We did you a favour.”

“Errrrrr… Can I claim insurance? Shouldn’t we exchange details now?”

The men in black suits just vanished. Bastards. They left a big mess. Just to tell me that I have to do my taxes soon. Sheeeesh. I’m not even 24 yet, and I gotta do taxes. Should I feel proud for earning quite a bit, or just plain crummy about the possibility of forking out money to subsidize some lame corridors?

So I was busy doing my taxes.

Told’ja that you wouldn’t believe me.