Movie Synopses Part 1

Ever go to the theater and come out thinking, “What the fuck did I just watch???!!!”?

Some movies are so unbelievably fast-paced, or incredibly more boring than watching fungus grow on a big pile of steaming turd. That’s why moviegoers fail to understand the concept of the story. So here I am, trying to provide everyone with a great community service. I’m gonna give you guys ultra-condensed synopses of many of the movies that resonate in our memories till today.

So, here’s a list od some movies that came into my mind. The title’s on first, with the synopsis coming up next.

Titanic
Jack: I wanna see your boobies. Strip for me. I will pretend to paint your potrait to throw off the audience for this needless skin show.
Rose: ***thinking to herself*** You’re gonna pay for this.
Iceberg hits, ship sinks.
Jack: Promise you won’t let me go.
Rose: I promise.
(Fuck you, asshole. Then she let’s him go.)

Jurassic Park
Sam Neill: Waaaaahhh… this is better than nasi lemak and teh tarik!
Jeff Goldblum: I predict that we’ll all narrowly cheat death from the escaped dinosaurs later.
Richard Attenborough: Bah! We have great security!
(The dinos then escape, kills nearly everyone)
Jeff Goldblum: Told you so!

Jurassic Park: The Lost World
Jeff Goldblum: You did what?!
Richard Attenborough: I sent your girlfriend to shoot pics of dinos in another island, so that you may go there too!
Jeff Goldblum: Dinos are baaaaddddddd. But I will go to save my love and act grumpy with my African-American daughter.
(In the island)
T-Rex: Who took my baby?!!! Rooooaaaaarrrrrrr!!!!
Bad Guys: Aaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh ***sound of death***
(T-Rex is brought to the city, wrecks havoc, and gets sent back. Many people die.)
Jeff Goldblum: How many times would you want me to tell you that DON’T PLAY GOD?!!!

Jurassic Park 3
Sam Neill: Where’s Jeff Goldblum? I’m bored.
William H. Macy: Help me look for my son, who’s lost among big dinos.
Tea Leoni: ***Semi-blond bimbo***
Spinosaurus: Roaaarrrrrr! Im bigger than T-Rex. Roaaarrrrr!
(Everyone runs here and there, to and fro, like idiots. Then they find the boy and also make enemies with a bunch of Velociraptors)
Raptors: Give us back our eggs.
Sam Neill: Here you go.
(Everyone then goes back home happily)
Producer: Wanna make Jurassic Park 4 meh??!!

King Kong
Big giant gorilla meets woman. Big giant dinosaurs run around in a stampede. Big giant gorilla falls in love. Big giant insects attack. Big giant leech swallows that Gollum fellar. Biplanes attack big giant gorilla on top of a skyscraper. Big giant gorilla falls to his death. Jack Black says something barely comprehensible.

Braveheart
Mel Gibson wears a skirt. After they kill his wife, he paints his face blue and wages war against England. He dies, and ONLY THEN the Scots unite. Duh!

Transformers
Big fucking giant robots fight against each other. Megan Fox shows her sweaty, hot, well-toned abs and tight ass. Megatron fries like ikan bilis in hot oil. Optimus Prime says something philosophical while Shia LeBeouf makes out with Megan Fox on top of Bumblebee. Yeah, I made it sound very kinky indeed.

12 Monkeys
Bruce Willis: Where’s my hair? And why am I looking so blur?
Brad Pitt: I’m a psycho.
Everyone: What the FUCK is this movie about??!!!!
Director, Producer and Actors: We don’t know too.

The Matrix
Morpheus: Take the red pill.
(Neo takes the red pill and wakes up naked with tubes attached to him. Then he learns jujitsu.)
Agent Smith: Come Neo, I kidnapped you lover, Morpheus!
(Neo and Trinity release a kajillion bullets and rescue Morpheus. In between Neo shows of his yoga skills by moving in slow motion. Then Neo fights an Agent and wins. Then Neo flies around in cool shades.)

The Matrix Reloaded
(Neo has kinky sex with Trinity with all those tubing holes all over their bodies. Then he fight with a gajillion Agent Smiths. Then Monica Belucci shows off her boobies to the audience. Then more boobies are shown. Then Neo talks weird crap with a bearded guy. Then Neo flies to save Trinity, and then kills off the mechanical sotong using some weird powers with a blur pose. Then Neo’s light bulb goes out.)
Audience: ***While walking out of the theater*** What??!!!!

The Matrix Revolutions
(Mechanical sotongs attack Zion. Neo fight with that Smith-possessed dude and goes blind, but can still see stuff with an orange tint, coz it makes him look cool. Zion fights a shitload of mechanical sotongs with big giant gorilla-like robots. Neo and Trinity go to the Machine City, and Trinity gets skewered like the chicken in my last barbecue party. Neo talks lots of crap with Deux Ex Machina a.k.a. Big-Giant-Machine-Made-From-Many-Many-Mechanical-Sotongs, then he gets transported to the Matrix. Neo fights with Agent Smith in the rain and gets fucked by Smith. Then Smith gets fucked. Then the world has a bright sunrise/sunset. Then the Indian girl looks cute.)
Director: I’ve proven that Keanu Reeves acts like a piece of wood.

Hmmmm… I’ve run out movie titles in my head for now. If you have more movies that you’d like to me to have “condensed”, write to me here: im [at] kavilan.com