Movie Synopses Part 2

Yep, here’s more movie synopses for you guys. It’s a painstaking process, you know, to watch all these movies and dissect them and analyse them to come up with a feasible summary. Yeah, right. They’re just some comical interpretations and nothing more.

Planet of the Apes (dedicated to Neeroo coz she watched the movie when she was 9)
Man lands on a monkey planet. Man walks around half-naked. Monkeys screw with man coz man can’t speak due to his throat being injured. Man suddenly speaks, and monkeys wanna silence man. Man runs away, find the Statue of Liberty half buried in the sand. Discovers that mankind fucked itself on Earth and apes started to rule.

Terminator
The Terminator: I’m an Austrian cyborg from the future, here to kill your sorry ass coz you will give birth to the man who will lead the resistance against the machines in the future.
Sarah Connor: Heelllpp!! **Starts running**
Kyle Reese: I’m here to save you. And we will also have a night of full-blown passion, ending in me impregnating you, and make you give birth to my best friend in the future, John Connor. **Snorts**
The Terminator and Kyle Reese fight till the end. End of moviel.

Predator
Arnie: Look at my muscles! I’m a hardened military commando who commands a bunch of special skilled soldiers, each with his own speciality.
Audience: Hey, isn’t that the black dude from Rocky? Apollo Creed!
Apollo Creed: My name’s Dutch. But I’m black, and now I’ll arm wrestle Arnie to show that I’ve got cajones too. By the way, I’ll act like a total bureaucratic asshole here.
Arnie and his gang destroy a military base and discover the Predator later on.
Predator: **Makes incomprehensible noise and kills Arnie’s gang. Then goes in hunt of Arnie**
Arnie: OMG! That thing can’t see me covered in mud. It’s payback time.
Arnie does some “Tarzan + Macguyver” stuff and defeats the Predator. As usual, backup comes AFTER everything is destroyed.
Audience: There’s no Academy Award for Arnie in the near future.

The Rock
Ed Harris: I’m pissed of with the US government, and I wanna launch VX nerve gas on the Frisco shoreline.
Nic Cage: I’m a wimpy FBI chemical weapons expert with a pregnant girlfriend.
Sean Connery: I’m the only person to escape Alcatraz. I can kill you with one finger.
Nic and Sean diffuse the VX gas rockets. Cue in some cool background music. Nic and Sean have a showdown with Ed’s men at the end, and Nic jumps into the sea with a cool explosion behind him. Then Sean points him to a place, wic has something, wic shows who killed JFK. Jerry Bruckheimer makes a shitload of money.

Face/Off
Nic Cage: I’m John Travolta.
John Travolta: I’m Nic Cage.
John Woo: Ok. Cue the slow motion doves in the chapel.
*** A gajillion bullets fly around, and Nic Cage who is John Travolta skewers John Travolta who is Nic Cage. ***

Con Air
Nic Cage kills some dude while protecting his wife. Then he grows his hair long like a hippy in prison. Then on the way back home in a plane, he fights of John Malkovich, Ving Rhames and that Spanish dude with a southern accent. Then he gives his daughter a teddy bear.

Armageddon
US Government: Let’s send oil drillers to drill on that giant freaking asteroid that’s threatening to destroy Earth.
Ben Affleck: ** Plays with Liv Tyler’s boobies **
Bruce Willis: I will save everyone.
*** KABOOM ***

The Day After Tomorrow
** Global warming screws with the Earth’s climate and many people die **
Producers: Global warming will kill us.

Top Gun
Tom Cruise: I’m young, I’m brash, I’m hot! And I’m the best pilot!
Val Kilmer: Dream on, punk! I’m gonna beat you!
** They try to kill each other **
Tom Cruise: I lost, but let’s be friends.
Val Kilmer: And look like closet homosexuals.

Patch Adams
Robin Williams: I’m going crazy.
** Checks into a mental institution, and patches Bob Gunton’s cup **
Bob Gunton: I’ll call you Patch. Go help people.
** Checks out of mental institution, enrolls into a medical college **
Robin Williams: Screw medicine. I’ll wear this clown nose to cure people.
** Girlfriend dies **
Robin Williams: I’m so sad. I wanna commit suicide.
** Butterfly flies past **
Robin Williams: I’m all okay now.