GOBLOKology Chapter 1: Getting Elected to Office and Staying There

I was thinking of writing my first book. You know the books about thought-provoking issues like socio-politics, regional ethnicities, or even economical situations? The ones which make you think twice about what’s going on in our country and engages the readers with its clear-cut points and stirring comments? The ones where non-fiction enthusiasts sit over and have an in-depth discussion about for hours? Yeah. My book is totally NOT going to be like that at all. I’m gonna call it GOBLOKology: Inside Goblokland. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

So, how do you get elected to office in Goblokland? And also, getting elected isn’t the icing on the cake. You gotta STAY there as well. Getting there and staying there. How? Well, there are many popular ways to do it. Let’s have a look at some of them, shall we?

• Be a good boy/girl.
  Of course, the most publicly known method is to do good in your social circle, then slowly move up the higher echelons, and actually become of some service to the society. This is the “honest” method. Although this method is widely known, it is almost never practised due to the large amount of patience required by the person standing for election. Not to mention a big heart to genuinely help others. The downside is that these Goody-2-Shoes were hunted almost to extiction by the masses and now only appear once in a blue moon, or when other candidates are simply too stupid to play dirty.

• Get some recommendations
  Go on. There’s no shame in doing it. Currently the most popular manner is to ask your father-in-law for some recommendations. Well, just make sure you don’t ask him to put his signature there when he’s sleeping/sleepy. He might drool on the recommendation letter. That seriously undermines your credibility. Getting the edge just because your father was a previous head-of-state also doesn’t make you look bad. Not even when he manipulated the system for two fucking decades for his own agenda. Don’t worry. You are judged for YOUR abilities. Right?

• Spill the beans on someone corrupt
  This is easy. People love whistle-blowers. Authorities hate their guts, but who gives a shit right, especially when you can get elected into office? You might argue that it’s hard to catch corrupt bastards in Goblokland. Nah. All you need to do is find one who drinks a lot and gets tipsy easily. Then record his telephone conversations with a hidden camera. Don’t reveal your identity first. Then reveal it. Then stand for office. A win is guaranteed. In some cases, you can sign a Statutory Declaration. But beware! You might not be able to stand for office soon enough, as “unforseen circumstances” might result in you leaving the country.

• Crush your opponents BEFORE the election
  Call him/her names. use billboards. Start talking a lot of cock. Masters of this method have perfected the art of “tokkok”ing. Undermine your opponent’s credibilty with baseless allegations. Sodomy allegations are the biggest trend in Goblokland these past 10 years. This method is by far the most effective, but only if you are the government. In the case that you’re the opposition, you’re fucked. With ISA a.k.a. I-Simply-Arrest.

• Suck up to the big guy
  It doesn’t matter if you’re caught with millions of dollars in cash in a foreign country, or fucked up the nations economy with crappy decisions, or even made colourful remarks at parliament sittings. You wanna keep your position? Just pucker up and kiss as many asses as possible. Even if you get booted out from the people’s office, you’d still be able to get throught the “Senator” backdoor if your ass-kissing is up international standards.

• Build highways through estates
  This helps if you’re a minister already. Just abuse your fucking power, goddamnit! Build a freakin’ highway through a toilet for all I care. Just get the people happy and they’ll keep on voting for you for nearly three decades. Along the way, perhaps you can have a hair transplant procedure to maintain your butt-ugly looks. If the people aren’t satisfied, just promise to build a big-budgeted bridge at some place without any rivers. If countered, confidently exclaim that you’d build a fucking RIVER! Seriously, this can elevate your status to Demi-God. Even God in some cases.

• Learn how to use traditional weapons.
  This method is famous for its violent tones. Although you must be able to put forth your points in a convincing manner. Soaking weapons in blood is quite a great strategy to make sure the support you receive never wavers. Recommended weapons include daggers, and, errr… daggers? We all know a lot of Goblokians and sensitive to mere mentions of race. Positive and negative reactions. Well, depends on which side are you on. This method has worked well for some people, though sooner or later people might wise up to you tactics and call you a fucking joker.

Now, I hope I have covered some of the important facts of getting elected into office and staying there. Of course, you guys can comment on them, and even put in your suggestions. You’d be mentioned in the “Reference” section in the book. With a smiley beside your name.

By the way, I’d sue your ass if you plagiarise this. I’ll make sure the court case runs for AT LEAST 15 years due to faulty computers and illegible writings. That way, you’ll be so old you can’t drag your ass to court and I’ll win by forfeit. Hey, it beats a “fair” trial here in Goblokland!