Comic Book Characters Which Hollywood Had Screwed

We all flock to the theaters when comic book movie adaptations hit the screens. We look forward to be entertained and have our fantasies revisited. Usually, there are two types of people who go watch comic adapatations in theater. The ones who read comics, and the ones who don’t. I’m of the former.

Whenever I see such movies, I always draw comparisons with the comics. And you cannot blame me if I get mad at these arrogant Hollywood people who think that they can potray those characters anyway they want it to be, just to make a quick buck. Not all characters were “raped”. Tony Stark/Iron Man was played to near perfection; every scene looked like a page from the comics. Christopher Nolan’s Batman reminded me of the gritty character from The Killing Joke and Batman: Year One. Patrick Stewart as Professor X and Ian McKellen as Magneto had dialogue deliveries that were close to the stuff you’d see in the X-Men comics.

But most often than not, Hollywood manages to fuck things up. They do crappy interpretations of characters on screen, that they piss us comic fanboys. Here are some of the characters which weren’t done justice to (IMHO):

Wolverine

Comics: Let’s start out with my 2nd most favourite superhero of all time (1st one’s Spidey). Wolverine. The Canucklehead. Logan. He is the best at what he does. Wolverine is a feral being, with a penchant to go against authority. Even within the ranks of X-Men. Wolverine has also this “rabid” attacking mode, that sometimes pops up when in fierce combat, bringing his combat skills to lethal greatness. He is a loner, and he doesn’t give shit.

Movie: What we have with Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine in the X-Men movies? For fuck’s sake, at least make him more animalistic. Hollywood made Wolverine look like Mary Poppins when compared to the comics. Not that Jackman’s acting was bad. He made the character come alive in the screen. It’s just that those asshole writers had to tone down Wolverine’s “Rooooaaaarrrrrrr” tendencies into a more submissive and clear talking one. Damn.

Vicious and feral	Blur and unsure

Daredevil

Comics: Matt Murdock. Blind. Fearless. Smart. Handsome. Athletic. Ass-kicker.

Movies: Come on, now. Ben Affleck? ‘Nuff said.

Ready To Kick Ass	Ready to get married to J.Lo

Cyclops

Comics: The leader of the X-Men. Husband, father, son, brother, student and teacher all into one. The most charismatic person who ever lead the X-Men. Cyclops’ character withstood plenty of challenges in the comics, with never once having him fail completely and giving up on everything. Even Wolverine listens to him.

Movies: Hollywood took all that, crumpled the pages of those comic books, and threw them in the trash can just to create their own version of Scott Summers, a.k.a. Cyclops. Only problem is, this Cyclops was a pussy. He got all so emotional after Jean Grey died, left the Mansion, and then proceeded to be blasted into the astral plane by Dark Phoenix. Cibai.

Powerful Optical Blast	Powerful Sulking Look

Venom

Comics: Eddie Brock, the broken mirror image of Peter Parker, fuses with the symbiote to become a muscle-bound, evil incarnate named Venom. And quite simply, he kicks superhero ass. The connection between Brock and Parker, and even the symbiote with Spiderman, only adds to more “drama” in the whole scenario. IMHO, the most dangerous villain of Spiderman.

Movies: Here, we have the Venom in Spiderman 3. Spidey’s most deadly nemesis appeared for a huge screen time. All 37 seconds of it. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK????!!!! They wasted 30 minutes of the movie with Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst (frankly, how the fuck did she stay on playing the role of MJ?) in crappy love sequences. You could’ve had Spidey and Venom slugging it out during all those time. And why the fuck was Venom looking slim? Was he on the Atkins’ Diet? He was supposed to be this hulking black thing! Aaaarrggghh!

All buffed up and ready to kill Aunt May	Seriously… Is that a black lizard?

Hulk

Comics: HULK SMAAAASSSHHHHH!!!! The strongest mortal being. With each passing second, the Hulk’s rage makes him stronger and stronger. He ripped Wolverine in half once (that’s WITH the adamantium-coated skeleton, mind you). He was sent to space, crash landed on a barbaric planet, became a slave, participated in savage gladiatorial games, escaped, led a rebellion, and became a King, husband and soon-to-be-father. Then his planet was destroyed, and he came back to Earth, beat Black Bolt to a pulp, and brought down Stark Tower on top of Iron Man, and was very close to enslaving all of Earth.

Movies: Let’s look at Ang Lee’s Hulk. Flourescent green? I mean, come on, folks! And what’s with that baby face? It wasn’t menacing. And the Hulk’s mile-long jump seemed like he was flying. I wanted more destruction, Mr. Lee!

Hulk ready to go to war…	Hulk ready for some breastfeeding…

Batman

Comics: The dark knight uses fear and intimidation to break down his enemies. Bruce Wayne, the playboy billionnaire tortures himself with guilt. He blames himself for the death of his parents. Batman goes out only at night, and is an expert detective and crime solver. And he is also skilled in many combat techniques.

Movies: Nope, I’m not talking bout Christopher Nolan’s movies. They were top class. I’m pointing my finger at Joel “Crazy Muthafucker” Schumacher, who singlehandedly destroyed the Batman film franchise at one point. How the hell did Gotham City get so brightly coloured with neon lights? Why the fuck did George Clooney’s Batsuit had NIPPLES?! Schumacher made Batman come out in broad freakin’ daylight. I’m already crying at the mere recollection of these travesties.

Strikes fear into criminals…	**spit** Ptuiiii!

Superman

Comics: The big boy scout of America. Superman is a symbol of truth and justice. A being firmly rooted in his dedication to righteousness. Not to mention his strength. One of the most powerful beings in the DC world. Superman fights, and I mean he really FIGHTS to save his adopted homeworld, whether they accept him or not. His punch can crumble a mountain. His grip can turn coal into diamond. Such is the strength of this Kryptonian.

Movies: Ok. We had Supes prove his mettle against Lex Luthor (a few times, already). We had Supes battle it out with General Zod. Then we had Supes fly around here and there for a few times and talk a lot. **Snore** Where are all the powerful villains of Superman? We could’ve had Brainiac trying to destroy Supes with his superior mind. Or maybe the appearence of Bizzarro, the twisted opposite version of Superman? Or the best possibility of all: the appearence of Doomsday, and their mega-battle which eventually sees both Superman and Doomsday dead! Instead, all we get is repeated “plotting and planning” by Lex Luthor (who was totally unlike the comic book persona) or Superman fighting a computer or Superman lifting a huge-ass Kryptonite island.

Superman & Doomsday, in which he will eventually die from the wounds after a fantastic battle	Superman about to battle a baldy, Kumar, and 2 other fellars on an island infused with Kryptonite

Bane

Comics: Bane is actually one of Batman’s most dangerous nemesis. He gains his strength through terrible experimentations using the drug “Venom”. The fact that Bane is also highly intelligent makes him even more deadly to Batman. Bane actually planned, plotted and executed a perfect plan which eventually saw him breaking Batman’s back, literally.

Movies: I’m spitting at Joel Schumacher again. In Batman & Robin, Bane was actually a mindless twit with bulging biceps. He was potrayed as Poison Ivy’s henchman. Which makes us comic nuts go “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

Bane breaks Batman’s back after weakening him	Bane looking like the Swamp Thing

Sabretooth

Comics: Victor Creed, alias Sabretooth, is as feral as Wolverine, only more barbaric. Possessing superhuman skills, agility, accuracy and heightened senses, he is easily one of Wolvy’s most dangerous foe. He is a trained soldier. Also, both of them were part of the Weapon Plus program, which was supposed to make living weapons out of the test subjects. Wolverine and Sabretooth’s mutual hate for each other made for many explosive confrontations everytime they crossed paths.

Movies: In the first X-Men movie, all Sabretooth did was give the occasional grunt or two. He was simply reduced to another low-level mutant serving Magneto, used only for his strength. Heck, even the battle between Wolvy and Sabretooth proved sleepy. Victor Creed was reduced to another extra in the movies. Oh, the horror!

Aaarrrgghh… Where are you, Wolverine?!!!	Aaarrrgghh.. My career’s overrrrrr….

Anyone has any other complaints?